Yesterday at this time, I was on fire after my workout; I was alive and strong and ready for this amazing life, and today at this time, I am destroyed and flat and hurt and bewildered and embarrassed of all these feelings. I’m sitting in this coffee shop almost crying, with my chai tea and a cute toddler cooing with his mom next to me.
Glennon Doyle writes that we hide our true selves from each other, sending out our representatives instead. I actually don’t think I do that very much and mostly never have (maybe that’s why I’ve had my bouts of not belonging to the group), but I do think that I have tucked away my shadow side, the side that comes up when I’m not bouncy and happy and sparkly and full of energy, which, honestly, I almost always am. The bouncy me is a big part of why I am such an engaging teacher and why many people are drawn to me. It’s probably what I’m best known for. But that is not the only thing I am, and while I am living into knowing that that’s okay—that it’s okay to feel down or sad or discouraged or fed up—I am struggling with knowing how to handle these feelings well in my marriage and family.
I grew up in a household that fought. We loved each other fiercely and were so honest and lived as each other’s best friends, and we worked through issues as they came up. Very healthy. Except that the way we worked through issues often involved yelling and hurtful words that were hard to forget. It took me until I was married, and even more so once I had children, to realize that, while I prided myself on my genuine relationships that didn’t hold grudges, I neglected to notice the path of destruction I often left in my wake. At some point when the kids were tiny, I took a quiz in a book called Letting Go of Anger and found that my anger pattern is called “Sudden Anger”: I hold it all together…and hold it all together…and take deep breaths and speak patiently until, suddenly, I blow up. I yell and say hurtful words and things that I desperately wish I could unsay. Even though I “work through” what I was frustrated about with the other person, it’s like a hurricane: it blows itself out but leaves destruction in its wake. And that destruction happens most to the people I love most.
I hate that when I fight with my kids or my husband, we hurt each other and that, often, there is still debris around from the last hurricane before we work through the next one. I hate that, in the midst of an argument, I can feel it revving up and even sometimes do lots of healthy things to diffuse it but we so often end up in the same place, feeling terrible and surveying the detritus around us. I want to move beyond this. I firmly believe in the “slow work of God”, as de Chardin calls it, and I trust the ideas of growth mindset, that I am growing and improving little by little and I just can’t do this YET. But I just want YET to be NOW! It is maddening that the hurt continues to happen while I keep trying to figure it out. I am so sick of learning on the job.
This happened this morning, with my oldest, who is 14 and is sometimes so good at being 14. I sometimes do a great job, when he is being so cutting with his words, at slapping a label on the behavior, and thinking in my mind, “eighth grade boy”. I can just label this “eighth grade boy”, and then just move on. But this morning, I was patient and patient and patient… And then I totally blew up. And then I ended up doing all the things that I don’t want to do with my kids, saying words that are hard to forget. And a similar thing happened yesterday with my other two, and I’m thrown enough that I asked my middle child today, what do you see is the pattern? I don’t want to yell at you guys and blow up at you. Do you notice something weird about what I’m doing?
I suppose it is comforting that my 12-year-old doesn’t see it as destructively as I do. That he honestly sees the behavior patterns as the kids not doing what I asked them to do, and being rude to me, and that that’s the real problem. But I still don’t want to lose my cool like this. I don’t want to lose my temper. Maureen O’Hara is one of my favorite actresses and Molly Weasley is one of my favorite characters in a book, and I know I’ve got that Irish fieryness in me, but I would just like to do without that hurtful debris left in my wake.
This is actually my Lenten resolution: do not say hurtful words to my kids or to my husband. I am trying to figure out a good way to actually actualize my resolution. And I’m trying to forgive myself constantly for messing up.
Even as this bothers and hurts me, as I write this out, I feel my burden lifting. I feel my hope and lightness and love returning. All of a sudden, after writing this, I can’t wait to call my husband. I can’t wait to see my kids. Maybe I have stumbled upon something here that I can replicate going forward: I just WROTE this out instead of TALKED (STORMED) this out. I worked through my own confusing feelings until they made a little more sense, and that may have slowed down my thoughts enough, so that they do not have the strength of hurricane-force winds. I can take these ideas and insights and try-agains to my family without having to come unglued to get there. And, they will probably be able to really hear me, because it will be more of a still, small voice rather than a fire or an earthquake.
I mentioned that my students and others have been drawn to me because of my bubbly personality. It might be good for me to remember that they’re drawn to me for another reason, too: I am honest with them. I am honest with people. And part of that honesty is showing the cracks. Dierks Bentley and Rumi, among others, troubador that we need the cracks in our shattered hearts because that’s where the love gets in. When I taught theology, I showed my students my cracks, and they loved me for it, because it allowed them to have their cracks, too. With my husband and my kids, I show my cracks, but then I protect them like a dragon. What if I showed my cracks and…that’s all. Didn’t protect them. Didn’t justify them. Didn’t feel embarrassed of them or try to defend them. Truthfully, the most important moments and relationships have come from exposing my cracks to people and not shoring them up—Just letting them be there, exposed and vulnerable and unprotected and raw.
The snarling protectiveness doesn’t actually protect anything anyway. Instead, it makes more wounds. There are people who GET to see our cracks, who are trustworthy and loving and loyal and steady, and so they get to see the weak spots. Because they will not try to exploit them. They will see them, really see them, and say, “Ah. Me too.” And that is when real love happens.
So that is what I want Pat and the kids to see. That is what I will not defend. I will keep working on it, because that is what life is for… To continue to try to live into the best version of ourselves. I will not defend it. I will do my best, and fall down, and get up, and let them see my stumbles and my try-agains. I will unveil my full self, cracks and all, and seek to live in the humility that I, like everyone else, am a mess. A beautiful, loving, needs-to-be-forgiven-all-the-time mess. Because in the unveiling of that, in the revealing of my true self, cracks intact, is where love deepens. And deepened love is where I want to go.
For reflection:
- What cracks in yourself do you hide away from the people you love?
- Do you notice yourself self-protecting in ways that hurt others, especially those you love most?
- Think of one of your dearest loved ones. What would happen if you let that person see your cracks more clearly, without you protecting your weak spots? What might happen in that relationship, at first and over time?
- How might you invite God into this?
Consider listening to these songs as you reflect. Maybe also light a candle, to remind you that wherever you are, God is in that with you.
- “I Have Made Mistakes” sung by the Oh Hello’s
- “After the Storm” sung by Mumford and Sons
- “Woman, Amen” sung by Dierks Bentley
#mistakes #temper #lettinggoofanger #anger #parenthood #marriage #mom #motherhood #kids #teenagers #lifecoaching #solacecoachingcompany #asrealaspossible #lent #change #personalgrowth #reflection #meditation #christianity #reconciliation #repentance #family #health #relationships #children #love #christinabarry #christinarombachbarry #raisingchildren #keepcalm