Behind the Scenes

“You can’t let this be stronger than you.

 

“It is not stronger than you.

 

“You are stronger than this. God is certainly stronger than this. Do not let it get the upper hand… That would be you giving it the upper hand.

 

“You are stronger than this. And people depend on you to not let it be stronger than you.

 

“This is what I am called to do. And so it cannot fail. Because God cannot fail.”

 

These are the reflections I wrote down three days ago, that have been going around in my mind as I seek to put some good into the world by writing this blog, publishing this podcast, and life coaching young people.  I’ve had these reflections, which push back on the insecurity threatening me as I start a new business, because, as I wrote about in my reflection on Mary, I have been accustomed to success.  Accustomed to worldly success, as well as what I would count as spiritual and relationship success, but the worldly success is the problem.  

 

Because, if worldly success is my standard, what am I left with if I don’t have it?

 

At the beginning of my Mary reflection, I mentioned that I might one day write about Joseph, but I had no plans to do so and thought I probably never would.  After all, he’s the sidenote in the story, the background guy, and I am not a background person.  Back-row sitter, sure, but front and center in regards to success and attention.  Oh my God, even I can hear the arrogance.  

 

Maybe it’s time for me to write about Joseph.  

 

The tool of measurement of success that I have been using to judge the meaningfulness of my new business is man-made. But God’s ways are not man’s ways. I need to use a different tool of measurement. I have learned that before. As I look into this particular situation, I try to notice how God would like me to measure his success. And maybe that means not measuring. As Mother Teresa said, “I am not called to be successful; I am called to be faithful.” Maybe, finally, I am strong enough to live that. And maybe I am old enough to live that.

 

Maybe it’s time for me to write about Joseph. The guy in the background, who doesn’t ever say anything in Scripture, who does not get the credit, who disappears out of the story without a word. But through whom the Messiah came to be, because, without Joseph, the Messiah would have been killed in his mother’s womb when Mary was stoned to death for having sex out of wedlock. I just read this to my husband and he just called Joseph, “The savior of the Savior.”  That’s exactly right.  Through Joseph is the prophecy fulfilled that Jesus is born of the line of David, that the shoot shall sprout from the root of Jesse. Joseph is the one who is descended from David’s line.  He is not biologically Jesus’s dad, and here we see the sanctity of adoption. Through adoption is Jesus of the line of David, is the fulfillment of the prophecy of the Messiah, is the resounding answer to the question that was posed 400 years before, into the silence that lasted for almost half a millenium. Joseph is WHY we got the answer of the Messiah.  Joseph is important.  And Joseph is BTS. 

 

BTS stands for “Behind The Scenes” and it is part of a retreat team.  I have gone on and led retreats for most of my life.  Real, deep, introspective, sometimes life-changing retreats.  Retreats that get to the heart of life and profoundly impact the people who go on them.  Leading retreats is simply awesome.  Most retreat teams are made up of small group leaders, rectors, cooks, and the BTS crew.  BTS crew:  the people who do the work behind the scenes.  

 

But most people want to be the leaders out in front of people, in the middle of the action and attention; they don’t want to be BTS. When I was a junior in high school, I was at a deeply low point of my life in my insecurity and my sense of self-worth. I applied to lead the sophomore overnight retreat, and I had always been in the forefront of things like that. Centerstage, if you will. On that retreat, I was put on BTS crew. This did not sit well with me, and I argued the point with the adult retreat coordinator, Mike Hughes, who would later become my confirmation sponsor and a central spiritual guide in my life. At that point, though, I could see no value in working behind the scenes, even though that is the backbone of what makes retreats work. But it is not where the glory comes from. It is not the quarterback, but the offensive line. I wanted to be the quarterback. I thought I needed to be the quarterback in order to matter.

 

I still think this, somewhere deep down inside of me.  I feel embarrassed and so vulnerable saying this out loud, but I think it might be helpful to share that I have not yet learned the importance of BTS in my life. I want to be the star; I want to get the attention. I want to be celebrated and held on high and be the one who speaks in front of everybody and gets the kudos and the applause and the laud, to use a Christmas word that means “praise”. But Joseph didn’t get the laud–the tiny baby did, who was adopted into his line. What would have happened if Joseph would have been jealous, or mean-spirited, or small in his heart or in his mind? What if Joseph had given into the feelings that possessed Herod, driving him to murder a generation of tiny people, because of his fears and insecurities?

 

I cannot give into these insecurities. They make me small in mind and heart when what God has put in me is big and grand and glorious.  It is that even if it is behind the scenes, even if it does not garner worldly success. For what was in Joseph was big and grand and glorious, made more so because he allowed his wife and his tiny son to be centerstage. In fact, he put them there. And he kept them there as he swooped them to safety in Egypt, as he helped them live through their time as refugees, as he circled back to Jerusalem, seeking his teenage sassy son who had ditched the family caravan.  He loved his family from the background, from behind the scenes, and thus loved them into wholeness…which I know is what we are called to do.  

 

I need his humility. I need to live into it. I am 42 years old and it is time for me to finally understand the importance of being BTS. I am ready to be well-rounded, knowing when to lead, and also when to follow, knowing when to get the glory, and also when not to. This is part of AMDG, Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam, doing things for the greater glory of God, not for myself.

 

The last time this insecurity, this fear of not having worldly success, was negatively impacting my life, my mom told me something.  She told me that shame and pride are two sides of the same coin. That was a mind-blowing realization for me:  that if I am totally dedicated to my pride, to being proud of my worldly success, then the second that falls off or my popularity dips or I don’t get all the attention I want, that pride flips on me…and it becomes shame.  Because I am acting married to the world’s attention, and I am at the mercy of it.  And the thing is, just when Mom told me that and I began to understand it, I ended up back on top. I ended up being able to walk around puffed up with pride again, for God, yes, but also for myself. In a way this was a bad thing, because I didn’t learn how to discard that coin with pride on one side and shame on the other.  

 

I want to learn this.  I need to learn how to live fulfilled without being on top. I need to learn how to be calm and confident in myself in a way that is not enslaved to either pride or shame… Which are really the same thing anyway. I need to learn from Joseph.

 

Every day I hope to be able to say, “I pass the test.” To say with Galadriel, in the Lord of the Rings, “I will diminish, and go into the west, and remain Christina.” I do not want to become my pride, constantly striving, always fighting to scramble on top. I want to diminish, if that is God‘s will for me, and not be big and famous and renowned, and be loved by a ton of people who don’t even know who I am. That was nice while it lasted, but maybe that is not my path now. One of the greatest moments of Galadriel’s life was when she was able to not be tempted, not be thrown by getting the power of the Ring. I have been scrambling for the ring, when I am not called to that. At least at this point, I am not a ringbearer. I am not the center. I am in the background. My deep desire is that I grow to embrace that role.

 

My dear sister Leslie recently told me, so lovingly, that I have grown in being quieter. That, while I am as loud as ever, I no longer have to take up all the space in the room. Because I don’t seize all that attention, other people have a voice, get heard, get attention, get love.  That is SUCH a good thing.  I desire to keep growing like that, and I desire to accept, daily, that it is uncomfortable.

 

The best thing in the world that can happen to me is that I get put on BTS.  Mr. Hughes knew that back in the day; my sister and my mom have been waiting patiently for me to live into it.  I am still afraid of it, but I also know that I am equal to it because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  God, strengthen me to be less so that I can be more, and give me the courage to have faith in each step that you help me walk toward that goal. 

 

That is where God is leading me. I know I can do it, because God will never set me a task that is beyond me to do. I am stronger than this, and God is stronger than this, this entrapment to pride. Joseph, father and founder of the holy family, unsung, unvocalized, un-lauded hero of Judeo-Christianity, you not-small person, please help me to live as you did. To offer what I have, knowing that God will make it enough, and to be content, truly content and quietly confident, in my role behind the scenes.

 

 

Reflection Questions for Your Life:

 

Please be very very gentle with yourself as you do these questions.  They are hard ones that can hurt.  We grow best when we are gentle with ourselves.  TRUST that you are sacredly worthwhile, that you are growing at a natural pace, and that you are in the palm of God’s hand, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

 

• Where do you feel shame in your life?  

• Can you track any pride associated with that:  are you striving toward worldly gain rather than what really matters?  You might be able to sense this through strain in your relationships, including your relationship with yourself.  If you do sense unhealthy pride, how might you begin to let that go?

• Do you tend to be a leader or a follower?  Both are valuable:  do you sense anywhere in your life where you might practice your non-dominant role, so that you might be both leader and follower, as your life/God calls you to be?

• Who is a guide in your life?  Who is a mentor for you?  What do you hope to learn from them?  Check in to see if this is a good path for you to be trying to follow, a good mentor to be trying to emulate.  Is this who you really want to be?  Pay attention to your deepest voice.

Possible Songs for Reflection (maybe to play in the background while you write on your questions):

 

• Oceans (Where Feet May Fail), sung by Hillside UNITED, TAYA
• 400 Years, sung by Sarah Sparks
• You Say, sung by Lauren Daigle
• Emmanuel, God with Us, sung by Amy Grant
• The Way I Am, sung by Ingrid Michaelson

@asrealaspossible

 

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